The important link between connection and co- operation

There is a direct link between how connected your children feel to you and how willing they are to help out. If you think about this from an adult perspective how far will you go to cooperate with someone ( say a boss or work colleague) if they are constantly on your case, if they didn't show you respect and you didn't have a close relationship with them? My guess is your cooperation would only go so far compared to how you would cooperate with someone who respected you and you felt closely connected to. Children are no different. They are much more likely to cooperate if they feel a close connection to us.

Children are hard wired for connection or attachment. The attachments they form from birth are needed in order for them to survive so the need for connection is very very strong. When our children have strong attachments or connections with us it makes them feel secure and safe. Unfortunately as our children grow certain things can erode those connections that are imperative the the relationship we have with our children. Things such as criticism, punishments, shame and smacking can impact the connection we have with our child and therefore interfere with how co-operative they will be.

When our children feel good about themselves, feel close to us, feel respected by us and feel seen and heard then they are more likely to help us out.

When my children were very young I found myself getting frustrated when they wouldn’t help pack away or wouldn’t do as I asked. I looked at what I was asking, I looked at how I was asking (or more precisely demanding), I looked at my expectations and I looked at how connected I was feeling to them and how connected they might be to me. In the end I realised that if I was well connected, if I dropped the expectation that they should do as I say simply because I’m an adult, if I asked for co-operation (without demanding it)then I often got the help I wanted.

For example: I would often want help drying the dishes in the evening. If my children were engaged in something meaningful or they were playing with each other which to me was more important than doing the dishes I would often leave them alone. If not I would ask if someone would mind helping me with the dishes. Sometimes I would ask if they could each dry 6 dishes in order to help out. If they didn’t come then that was ok and I would either leave them to air dry or I would dry them myself and that was perfectly fine too. You see when you drop the narrative that your child should help out and that they need to be made to help out otherwise they will turn in to lazy entitled children amazing things happen……your children will help out without you even asking. When your children see that you respect their autonomy, that you are willing to give and take and that you hold the relationship you have with them as a priority, this gives them room make choices based on integrity rather than the fear of what will happen if they don’t do as asked. It also reduces arguments, yelling, shaming and punishments. My children now will often willingly help out without being asked.